An Inexperienced Travelers Guide to Interacting With Flight Goers

All right, none of this is backed up by any sort of experience or testing or whatsoever, yada yada yada, I went on a flight and it was pretty slient and awkward the whole time. MY MIND WENT PLACES!

If this only confuses you more then too bad.

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So… perspective time. You Just rode back from Las Vegas on a spicy 7am flight and it was a drag. First class, top of the line seats, and not a word spoken the entire flight. Was it possibly because half the plane was sleeping while the other half attempted vainly not to disturb them? Was it because you likely slept most of the flight as-well? No, it couldn’t be! It’s because of our antisocial society paired with the added burden of Covid regulations. Do you wish you could turn to that neighboring eccentric countryman, stressed out wife, drop dead tired university student, enthusiastic football fan and relieve them of all their deepest stories and humorous happenings? Of course you do, and in order to make this effectively happen, and generate your travels a more welcoming and conversational atmosphere, I have synthesized this comprehensive guide. 

Now, there are five strategies we can use to effectively complete the conversational process. This process consists of four main stages, initial interaction or hook, familiarity, exchange, and breakaway. The ‘five’ strategies are as follows:

1. Babricate respect
2. Employ the roundabout
3. Exude character
4. Show interest
5. Relate experience
6. Think outside the box

So, the first strategy we will discuss is fabricate respect, or lick the shoe, as others may put it. This includes not literally, but almost, unstrapping yourself from your seat, sliding your squishy human form between the seat cushion and adjoining plastic seat back, and lapping your moist tongue over their unshined oxfords. And you better keep at it. Pray that when you finally shimmy your way back to the world of the living, those puppies shine like a baboon’s freshly hosed posterior. Complement them to gain their interest. If they respond at all they’re hooked, and you can begin to rapidly fire their defenses down with sustainably placed compliments and sneaky observative praise. Keep up the onslaught until they’re either humbled enough or overly weirded out to just tell you what you want to know and have a jolly good conversation. But, what if they don’t respond, what if they’re fast asleep? Well the next strategy is just the tool necessary to get the job done.

Employing the roundabout can be utilized should any of these options fail, however, it is ill advised in most cases. This strategy also works the strongest when fabricating respect as it requires minimal interaction aside from the initial action to pull off. The roundabout strategy, or as I like to call it, “the hit and run,” is fairly straightforward. It consists of you doing something highly disrespectful to gain their attention, then either feigning ignorance, profusely apologizing, or downright ignoring them. There are many ways to initiate this strategy such as spitting gum or other amenities in their hair, spilling your complimentary beverage on their suit, dropping your bag from the overhead compartment conveniently on their groin, or passionately elbow them in the side. But don’t just make it seem like the elbow was an accident. Make it seem as if it was an attempt to feign an accident, but you were actually trying to wake them up in the rudest manner possible by elbowing them as hard as you elbow your little brother when he screams about his bloody Apex win streak at 3am!.. Ehem. Of course there are many more strategies, but these are, as I’ve found to be, the most effective. After you have alerted them to your presence it’s time to build rapport. This can be done by either ignoring them with a very guilt look on your face, apologizing like your punk insignificant life among the clouds means anything, or continuously explaining how sorry you are for having caused this unfortunate accident. After this, all you need do is repeat your chosen strategy until they either begin to respect your dedication and guilt, or the plane lands.

The next strategy, one favored by extroverts and especially introverts alike is to exude character. There are many ways to do this but the baseline is to make yourself stand out, make yourself someone they want to talk to, either out of intrigue or downright rage fueled annoyance. This can be done through conduct, apparel and fashion, or persistent ignorance of those around you and their aversion towards your colorful or rude displays. Once someone has inevitably made a comment, either good or bad, regarding your attire it’s time to capitalize. Spark a conversation on the topic and ride the horse from there, or alternatively you can employ the strategy which makes this method popular with introverts. This details you simply ignore them and everything they say and if your attire and chosen stand out method proves flashy enough they should get comfortable talking to you without you ever putting any effort.

The next strategy is a bit more of an aggressive approach and requires proactive engagement. Showing interest can be done in a variety of methods, yet, the method I find most effective is to unceasingly question neighboring passengers on anything possible. What’s their name, why they have a soul patch, where they’re going, what their social security number is, anything can work as long as your persistence and your incessant intrigue is eventually converted to unbridled rage redirected as attention towards you. Of course you can always just ask one question which usually gets the job done. Then once you have their attention, show even more interest. Question them on anything they say or that pops up. Keep the conversation going and keep them going into more detail until they either explain large swaths of their life as if they were a small town bard, or they start to think you’re downright deaf.

The fifth strategy is to relate an experience to them. This can be anything as long as it catches and holds their interest. For example, “Hey, I noticed your wallet there looks a bit fat, fat like fat Yoshi. Now just the other day I was driving through the desert and I saw some sort of animal that looked like fat Yoshi. Luckily my friend had his trusty hunting rifle on him and from there…” You get the point. They’re either wondering what the heck a Yoshi is, or they’re wondering how they can appease these eccentric individuals’ tastes and get in their good graces. Either way works and will lead to further engagement. I mean, anything works. Talk about how you grew one of your fingernails out an inch to pick your teeth and open amazon boxes. They’ll probably understand… right?

Well there are a myriad of ways you can get someone’s attention, and with Covid spread only increasing as vaccines are finally administered, someone needs to take the social initiative. Just remember that these are not the only methods. You can always employ others. Think outside the box, combine and adapt these to any situation. Remember that you will only be with these people a couple of hours of your life. It’s either profit, or miss a rewarding opportunity. You are free to do anything short of a valid TSA detainment. So get out there and make some valid junk happen, and I’ll see you, on the airways.